My first step to total healing

 Trigger warning: This post contains references to sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and rape. Reader discretion is advised.

Starting therapy can be a difficult and overwhelming experience for anyone. But for me, it's a step I've been avoiding for years. I've been carrying around the weight of my past traumas for far too long. It's time to finally confront them and begin the healing process.

As a child, I was sexually abused by my stepfather. The thought of him still makes my skin crawl. I was too young to understand what was happening to me, but the memories of his touch, his smell, and his voice still haunt me to this day.

My mother was emotionally and physically abusive towards me. She abandoned me at a time when I needed her the most.

And then there was the rape. I was a teenager, barely even understanding what sex was, when it happened. I was violated in the worst way possible, and the aftermath left me with a pregnancy and the birth of a child. I love my child more than anything in this world, but the trauma of that experience still lingers.

I've tried to push these memories down and ignore them for years, but they've eaten away at me. They've affected my relationships, my work, and my mental health. I can't keep carrying this burden alone.

As a Christian, I have always believed that God is the ultimate healer. I've prayed, gone to church, and tried to live a faithful life, hoping that my past traumas would be washed away and healed by the grace of God. But despite my belief, I'm still struggling with the aftermath of my childhood traumas.

 The scars of the abuse still linger, and it's been a constant struggle for me to move on from the trauma. I've been praying for healing and deliverance, but it seems like God hasn't heard my cries.

In the Christian community, there's often a stigma attached to mental health issues. People tend to believe that if you're a true believer, you should be able to pray away any problem, including trauma. But the reality is that trauma is a complex and deeply-rooted issue that requires more than just prayer.

I've started therapy to try and make peace with my past, because despite all my efforts, I still feel like I'm carrying the weight of my trauma. And it's hard not to feel like a failure as a Christian when I can't seem to overcome these issues.

But I've come to realize that my faith and my trauma are not mutually exclusive. I can still believe in God and struggle with my mental health. In fact, my faith is what gives me hope and the strength to continue fighting for healing.

It's important to remember that healing is a journey, and it's different for everyone. There's no one-size-fits-all solution, and that's okay. We're all on our own path, and it's up to us to find what works best for us.

To anyone else who's struggling with past trauma, know that you're not alone. It's okay to seek help, to talk about your struggles, and to take the time to heal. And most importantly, it's okay to still have faith, even when it feels like your trauma is still present. Remember, God loves you, and He's with you every step of the way.